Fear

Sometimes, I wonder if it's all going to come together.  I worry that all my work I put into this is in vain.  It happens more frequently than I have wanted to believe, that there is stronger possibility this won't happen.

I would consider myself one of those people who doesn't like to put the word can't into their vocabulary.  I don't believe people have to take the word "no".  I don't believe people have to settle or stay in a job that they do not like.  I don't believe that people can ever become lost when they follow love or passion.

However, there are days, like today, where I wonder if my motor-mouth can compete with the true action of what I can do.  I wonder if I can get out on the trail tomorrow and do my 6 mile run like I have planned, and I wonder if on Friday I can do my mini-tri.  As the time clicks closer to the real triathlon in June, I become worried that I won't fruition into the person I need to become. I am constantly fearing the bad demon on my shoulder, telling me to stop, to give up, to just relax.

But relaxing is something I am very good at it, and if I get too used to it in time, I won't do anything anymore.

When I saw the movie "The Spirit of the Marathon" last July---I told myself that I would do a marathon.  I've become so confident in my goals that I have started telling friends I am going to run the Chicago marathon in 2012.

But what if I don't?

And it's that tiny voice inside of me that I have to abolish.  I have to kill.  One of the most liberating and saddening maxims I ever learned was "You are your only obstacle." 

But sometimes it feels like there are more people out there than just me.  Sometimes, in a time of non-achievement---I feel and fear that those around me don't think I can.  Sometimes, I think my major motivation in life is to prove those around me wrong.  It sounds strange, I know, but when people tell me that I can't do something, I go do it. 

I don't believe in boundaries.  I don't believe in settling.  I don't believe in sitting back and watching the clouds go by (in some cases).  I believe in pushing myself to new levels---that if I am upset with something in my life, I should change it.

I am not going to try to run this half marathon in the Fall to prove people wrong;  instead, I am running it to try to prove to myself that the power of love,will, and destiny exists.

Here I go, I guess.

As always, please feel free to share your personal experiences or comments. If you have a story, rant or thought that you would like me to post here, feel free to email it to me at amy@marathon-girl.com.